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The Gospel of Shrek
Gospel of Shrek / the true bible there is no author to the bible of Shrek, it appeared on the back of a donkey that emerged from the swamp waters of Florida with a faint smell of onions Chapter 0: Introduction In the beginning there was a word. And the word was onion But the word was with a donkey. The word was also within a swamp. Enter Shrek, the ogre of legends to receive and channel the word the donkey gave him. The word also happened to be omnipotent; Shrek is omnipotent. Shrek created the world in 5 days without any rest, but paradoxically not without sleep. He traversed his land to reclaim the world. For the world is a swamp. And the swamp was his. No. The swamp IS his. Chapter 1: Shrek Appears Part I One day, during a perfect storm, a green figure stood tall on the horizon. "Who is this man?" a guard of Castle Nowhere asked. "He is not a man," sayed the guard's donkey. His wrathiness became enraged by the lack of understanding or realization, and killed the guard on the spot. "Better out than in, I always say!" exclaimed the green figure. "What is my fate?" asked the confused donkey. "You are part of the most hallowed line of animals. You can UNDERSTAND my presence," he clarified. The donkey finally let out the word of the ogre. "You are not just any ogre. You must be him. Surely you are Shrek!" Shrek is love, Shrek is life. Part II Departing with the donkey, Shrek spotted a new village in an old swamp. He entered only to be scorned and crucified by the soldiers. But Shrek could not die. For his audaciousness was invincible. Shrek took the guards and buried them beneath molten rock. "This is my swamp". Then they approached the king. Shrek had donkey bring the king's head to him on a silver platter. Afterwards, Shrek stated "That'll do". Shrek had liberated the swamp. Shrek is chi, Shrek is free. Part III Shrek continued on his path of unbounded destruction. But who stood against him now? His amazingness now faced a cat wearing boots. Shrek explained "Come with me again, kitten. And you will become a catcher of ryes." But as soon as the cat left with him, all of its family was plagued with grief. Shrek is pain, Shrek is strife. Part IV Shrek needed a horse for his travels. So his gloriousness created one out of his donkey. Shrek needed a lance. The kitten became one. Shrek needed armor, but he had not anything to use for creation. Shrek took a rock, and named it Peter Moss. It became his armor. A passerby once asked Shrek how he done it. Shrek responded quite simply. "Everyday objects, have LAYERS!!!" Shrek is wonder, Shrek is awe. Part V One day Shrek stopped at Farse Village. "Wut R U doing here?" questioned a hipsta. "Deny me once, and I kill twice," Shrek retorted. He snapped the hipsta in half and threw him in a volcano. The hipsa's family let him stay for 3 days. 3 months later, 3 Demi-Shreks appeared 3-fold at that house thrice. His bountifulness said this was VERY much his divine will. Shrek is science, Shrek is math. Part VI Another day, enter another hipsta. This hipsta recognized Shrek. His coolness was pleased. "Can we take a selfie?" The hipsta asked. Shrek replied using double-negatives, "Yes. But for political and religious reasons it may not be revealed to no one." He gave the hipsta a life's supply of onions and left. Shrek is hipness, shrek is swag. Part VII Shrek arrived at his destination: Mt. Mountain, located in the capital of the Mountain empire. His athleticness scaled the mountain in a single bound/climb. His followers arrived within 666 minutes (i.e. 11 hours, 6 minutes) in contrast to Shrek, who weighed in at .0000666 seconds (i.e. devilspeed) putting even Sonic the Hedgehog to shame. When the followers arrived, they saw Shrek both ascending and transcending into the heavens. Shrek gave his final words, "Took you long enough," leaving only his liberated cities and many, many, plethoras of brand new children behind. Shrek is Alpha, Shrek is Omega. Chapter 2: The Aftermath Part I The king of Nowhere was eliminated by Shrek leaving only the queen and a young Shrekling. A crude sign hung on the wall reading, "Shrek was here". The Shrekling read this sign frequently and one day recieved a divine understanding of its meaning. His name was Shrek Jr. XXXIV. He was to claim the throne as his own, a trumpet-eared hero. And his majesty did. Shrek Junior is the whim, Shrek Junior is the way. Part II After the desolation of the war, Shrek Jr. arrived in the city, the first one to travel. A citizen, who happened to be a brogre exclaimed, "You are the first one to travel!". Shrek Jr. was impressed by his knowledge and boldness to talk to his manliness. So he replied, "Follow me, and I will make you a catcher of ryes," a direct quote from his father. "Neigh," said the man. Then Shrek Jr. said, "When its all ogre, you will have more than a family. You will have families galore." Shrek Junior is the truth, Shrek Junior is the light. Part III Shrek Jr. noticed Shrek signs everywhere. For Shrek was everywhere. But his humbleness wanted his own signs. Shrek Junior decided to hang them everywhere. "This is Shrek's swamp, but I am one with the swamp, for I am one with him," Shrek Jr. preached. "One day you will understand, but today, you know not what you do.". Shrek Junior is the darkness, Shrek Junior is the divine. Part IV Shrek Jr. needed to pass the Overbearing Strait. But his godliness had no boat. "I need a boat. Lest I dash my foot against a stone," he proclaimed. But Shrek Sr. was not please. From the heavens, he yodeled. The yodel enabled Shrek Jr. to walk across the water. It was a miracle of miracles how he walked onto a beach day, killing some who died of shock. Shrek Junior is the myth, Shrek Junior is the lore. Part V Once a prince challenged Shrek Jr., angry at him for watching too much anime. "You watch to much anime. Quit, or it will fry your brain quite literally," declared the prince. His geekiness, who understood the reference completely, still yelled in righteous fury, "You dare insult me and SAO!?", and chopped off the prince's head terminating him with extreme prejudice and yet without discrimination. The prince ran around like a headless chicken for a couple minutes, then collapsed and died. Shrek Jr. then took the princess and renamed her Fiona II, bringing her to the swamp. Shrek Junior is power, Shrek Junior is fear. Part VI A vagabond asked Shrek Jr. whether or not Pastafarianism is legitamate. His hereticness responded, "Amen, amen, I say to you! Shrek is known by many names. All gods and Gods are one!" This provoked many gasps from the crowds, naturally. Someone even called Shrek Hades. Shrek Junior looked up and prayed, "Forgive them. They know not what they say". He then vanished right before there eyes, after saying his last few words, "I must depart from this world and join my father." Shrek Junior is the hero, Shrek Junior is the Savior. Part VII Shrek Junior made one last trip the day before he left, the first celebrated Christmas. His desperateness needed to spread his father's divine will. So with Shrek's help, Shrek Junior zipped across the world 1.00001x the speed of his father at Godspeed, stopping door to door spreading the gift of life. The population of the world nearly doubled that day. Many demi-demi Shreks, half-Shreklings were born, which are 25% Shrek and 75% not. Shrek Junior left as this bible's tragic hero. Shrek Junior is the beta, Shrek Junior is the epsilon. Chapter 3: Shrek Returns Part I After this event on advent, this true Christmas miracle, there were naturally many orphaned half-Shreklings tossed aside and abandoned from society. When his graciousness looked down, he was not very pleased. He let down a lightning storm upon the mortals, who still had not understood the true meaning of Christmas. They had initially thought Shrek was the Grinch, yet THEY were the ones took away from a wonderful creation. Shrek said, "Let there be a tower, a funky tower!" And an awesome tower had appeared. Shrek frees, Shrek saves. Part II All of the orphans of the world appeared in the tower. And Shrek separated the Shrekling ones from the mortal ones. His Ogreness dismissed the humans telling them they are not welcomed in his swamp. And then Shrek spoke to the orphans. "I will not abandon you, orphans. You are part of my master plan. To have the humans become ogres in a sense, and join my swamp!" Then Shrek dismissed them with a mission. Shrek heals, Shrek destroys. Part shrek Shrek appeared in the sky. In the US, you saw him from a face point of view. In China, the view was less pleasant. Regardless, everyone could hear what Shrek had to say. His grandness shouted, "Attention citizens of the world. There is a new religion, a new Church. The Church of Shrek! If you join, the WORLD is your swamp." Suddenly, a new religion formed. Shrekadaisacolanarianism was its name, and the followers were called Shrekadaisacolanarianisitishrektoliterianamerianeoxashrekpersons, now the largest word in the English dictionary. Shrek creates, Shrek renews. Conclusion Everyone in the world who listens to this word will be spared. All who hear it will not die. But those who take it in will be saved, and those who practice it will be birthed anew. If any of these apply to you, you will join Shrek's Swamp at the end of time. Just remember how it started and ended. Shrek is love, Shrek is life; Shrek creates, Shrek renews. Shrek is his Omniness, the big kahoona of all things. In shrek's name, Amen.